blog, twitter, then tumblr

old age

Tue, 15 Dec 2009 14:24:35 -0500

Steven: I think I took off 5 years of my life
me: oh dear. hopefully its the 5 between 80 and 90. you'll be stuck in bed wearing diapers anyway
me: who cares if its 5 years less of that shit
Steven: Hahahaha nice. You know how to cheer a guy up the right way
me: :)
me: the minute i lose control of my, uh, bathroom muscles, im going to shoot myself. if i cant do it, you're doing it for me
Steven: no deal
Steven: I'm planning on offing myself way earlier than that
me: terrible friend.
Steven: So I wouldn't be there anyway
Steven: I'm thinking 70 is a good age

move along, nothing to see here.

Mon, 14 Dec 2009 17:00:43 -0500

Patrick: wendy i think u should post todays gchat. u said some really sweet things in here
Patrick: doesnt happen often on ur blog
me: i am a sweet person. whats that supposed to mean?!
me: i sound like a meanie 90% of the time?
Patrick: u a cold hearted old cat lady
Patrick: im kiddin im kiddin. most of the posts are funny and about how cool we are. this post will give u even MORE depth, "oh wow, she can be super duper sweet too"
Patrick: ur readers will fall in love
me: my readers dont need to see my mushy side. pleeease! thats only reserved for the truly deserving. maybe one day when i am trying to run for president or trying to raise money for the next pair of shoes i buy i will post it. try to generate some sympathy donation
Patrick: nice. that can be the title
Patrick: generate some sympathy donation

Homemade chocolate chip cookies, fresh out of the oven....

Sun, 13 Dec 2009 09:53:00 -0500

Homemade chocolate chip cookies, fresh out of the oven. Breakfast! I’ve really been spoiling myself these days but you have to look at it like this: the more vices you collect towards the end of the year, the more seemingly ambitious and noble the resolution for the new year. Bring it, 2010!

"…and of course, while NOT looking for a dress for the holidays, I actually find one."

Sat, 12 Dec 2009 18:50:03 -0500

“…and of course, while NOT looking for a dress for the holidays, I actually find one.”

- mulling it over.

That’s what Christmas means to me, my love — A lit...

Sat, 12 Dec 2009 18:45:23 -0500

That’s what Christmas means to me, my love —

A lit up mannequin tree that hopefully doesn’t set my apt ablaze!

"You have to be who you are, unless who you are is awful."

Fri, 11 Dec 2009 13:52:00 -0500

“You have to be who you are, unless who you are is awful.”

- Simon Doonan

A rule to live by for the day! Just today.

Yes, we know that her “invisible shoe” is basically...

Fri, 11 Dec 2009 13:30:40 -0500

Yes, we know that her “invisible shoe” is basically a wedge made of mirrors, and looks about as comfortable as the inside of Steve Buscemi’s mouth, but there’s really nothing that says “I’m a fashionista” like showing up at a party with your feet gone A.W.O.L.. (via Refinery29)

designer: Andreia Chaves

hellz yea, i’d wear those!

secret santa spoiler!

Wed, 09 Dec 2009 15:37:48 -0500

Patrick: WENDY!!
Patrick: whod u get???
me: YOUR MOM
Patrick: wow
Patrick: i didnt see her on the list
Patrick: u lucky
me: she was on *my* list
me: ;)
Patrick: whatever that means
Patrick: dont wink me

ultimate

Wed, 09 Dec 2009 13:22:14 -0500

Patrick: [who are they?] sounds couplie
me: theyre married
Patrick: then HELLLLZ NO
me: hahahah go and be the ULTIMATE couple
me: "honey, dont we have to go pick your grandparents up at the airport after dinner?"
me: "and then we are playing bingo with them at the community center right?"
me: "oh yes, Sandra is a bingo SHARK. can you believe it? she got all the numbers in row L 5 times last friday"
me: "im convinced Gertrude has been cheating. that minx!"
me: "sweetie.. where is the jar where you keep my testicles? i have game night with the guys on sunday"

mom jokes, pt 1

Wed, 09 Dec 2009 13:17:21 -0500

me: [redacted] is looking to buy an engagement ring
me: "do u know where i would go look for one of those?"
me: at your moms house.
me: what the eff kind of question is that???
Patrick: hahahha
Patrick: mom jokes
Patrick: love it
Patrick: haha
Patrick: so would u want a teno ring? or has that changed?
me: are you planning on getting me one?
Patrick: no
me: psh who cares then

mom jokes, pt 2

Wed, 09 Dec 2009 13:16:35 -0500

Patrick: mwahaha, no, i just remember u tellin me that u liked teno rings
me: yea they are nice, but then i will always be "the girl who has [redacted]'s wife's ring". there has to be something better out there. something more ME.
Patrick: i would always go classic. classics are classics.
Patrick: girls wanna bling
me: http://whiteflashdiamonds.files.wordpress.com/2009/04/img_2391.jpg
me: like that?
Patrick: id get her another ring in addition to it thats more personal
me: awwwww more more more. more rings yay
Patrick: so is that what u told [redacted]?
me: that he should get her multiple rings?
Patrick: no no
me: i told him to go screw himself, i aint helpin

mom jokes, pt 3

Wed, 09 Dec 2009 13:16:24 -0500

Patrick: hahhahha go ask ur mom
me: i mean, it was kind of a dumb question to ask, dont you think?
me: im not her best or even close friend
Patrick: but ur stylish
me: how the hell would i even know what she likes? my style aint her style.
me: [redacted link]. i like that one [but i would] never suggest he get that for her
Patrick: that doesnt look very comfortable
me: marriages arent comfortable

"This is the single most irritating question on the face of the planet that one human being could ask..."

Tue, 08 Dec 2009 16:00:29 -0500

“This is the single most irritating question on the face of the planet that one human being could ask another. Because I don’t know why I’m not seeing someone, asshole. Because I hate sex. And my vagina has fangs. Strong, ample fangs that I sharpen nightly and widdle things out of wood with. And I refuse to get them removed because it’s unethical and I fear PETA’s wrath. That’s why I’m not seeing anyone.”

- “Are you seeing someone?” (source: 2Birds1Blog)

fuhreakin hilarious entry today. even better? a mention of COLON CLEANSING. (it’s better if you have no idea what i am referring to.)

next person who asks me this gets slapped.

Tue, 08 Dec 2009 13:31:22 -0500

[Redacted]: so i'm looking to buy an engagement ring
me: ahh nice
[Redacted]: do u know where i would go look for one of those?
me: errr thats not a serious question
me: that is the stupidest question to ask someone if you are looking for an engagement ring, im sorry, and im not saying that to be mean
me: if there is ANYONE in the world who knows her, it is YOU. you should know where to find an engagement ring for her
me: besides the obvious answer: at a ring store
[Redacted]: ohhh yea that's right i should go find one of those
me: good luck. i hear they only make ring stores out west

The Cranky Elf in the Office Simon Doonan is too funny.

Mon, 07 Dec 2009 22:06:51 -0500

The Cranky Elf in the Office

Simon Doonan is too funny.

fb hell, pt 2

Mon, 07 Dec 2009 17:07:00 -0500

Phe: that's right!
Patrick: yeah i dont kno him, so off w/ his head!!
Phe: hehehe martha and harry, you two are the bestest
Patrick: um.... i dont kno if u can call us that
Phe: hahahha aiyo!
me: HAHAHA why not!?!!!
Patrick: i dont kno, its our secret names... UNLESS she has one too
Patrick: and dont even think about giving her a name. THATS MY JOB
me: cult initiation time....
Patrick: i have the best names
me: work your magic, patrick. i have veto power if its not awesome enough right?
Patrick: BARBARA!

fb hell, pt 1

Mon, 07 Dec 2009 17:07:00 -0500

Patrick: so whos this guy? FB LINK!!
Phe: hold please i will find him
Phe: [link redacted]
me: thats a nice 3/4 of a face! cute!
Phe: i know!! so cute. im still blocking him if he doesnt respond
me: by monday
Phe: by monday
Patrick: by monday.... so dramatic. "blocking him!!!!!" sending him to hell!!!
me: to facebook hell!!!
Patrick: monday OR hell!!
me: whatevs man! no one subjects phe to facebook purgatory!!
me: off with his 3/4 of a head!

fb hell, pt 3

Mon, 07 Dec 2009 17:06:00 -0500

me: I LOVE IT!!!! BARBARA!!!!!
Patrick: i kno.... sexy huh?
Phe: OMG noooo
Patrick: phe, from this day forward, you shall rise in our group chats as (places hand from one of phes shoulder to the other)
Phe: hells NO!
Patrick: BARBARA!! done. come on. u think wendy had a choice? u think oprah HAD a choice? there is no logical reasoning for such great names. just accept it, be proud BARBARA. side note: thats kind of hard to type
me: BBRA for short?
Phe: BRA???? u guys cannot call me a female undergarment!
Patrick: thats why its bbra
Phe: hahahahahhahah terrible

Oh how much I’d like to be my cat right now. That is life.

Sat, 05 Dec 2009 16:20:00 -0500

Oh how much I’d like to be my cat right now.

That is life.

Hot chili on a cold rainy day.

Sat, 05 Dec 2009 15:29:05 -0500

Hot chili on a cold rainy day.