December 2009
47 posts
victorian
David: been forver man
me: seriously!
David: i need to get down here more often
me: like, a million years. you're probably grey by now,no?
David: me? no, i wrapped around already so i'm back to black
me: wrapped around!? haha dinosaur :)
me: im gonna go put some pants on. i think its time to start the day
David: dont worry, i wont tell anyone we were chatting without pants
me: classsy
David: its very victorian you know. they would sit around chatting with nothing but socks on
me: HAHAH
butt
Jackie: i need you to check someone out for me. and merry xmas btw. but i am sitting at home alone wrapped up in 3 sheets drinking water and studying on xmas eve, so no holiday cheer for me
me: what is 3 sheets drinking water?
Jackie: HAHAHAHAHAHA those are 2 separate ideas wendy. i'm wrapped up in 3 bedsheets and drinking water (as opposed to eggnog) HAHAHA
me: OHHHHHHHH i thought it was a medical phrase
Jackie: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA wendy ur mind is too complicated
me: i was just going to write it off, like, oh yea... that
Jackie: HAHAHAHAH u CRACK me up
Jackie: i'm going to call u butt
Jackie: for crack
“christmas dinner for 10 - mission complete!”
– now i collapse.
party shiznitch, pt 1
me: im done planning this shiznitch!
Steven: hahahaha sorry. you sound stressed
me: im sure you know how annoying it is to try to plan something like this, when people either
me: a) ignore you, b) shoot down your plans, c) dont offer alternatives, d) dont tell you what they REALLY want to do.
me: its so infuriating. its not like i'll get OFFENDED if they suggest something different
me: i dont know what the hell they are afraid of. no one wants to be honest.
Steven: that's why this year i skipped the whole ticket affair
me: but its not even that. ticket or not - no one wants to freakin make up their mind. we've discussed everything from free to 150+. NO ONE MAKES UP THEIR MIND.
me: holy mackeral
Steven: yeah, i know exactly how you feel. this happens to my friends too
party shiznitch, pt 2
me: i just thought, all i want to do is hang out with people i LIKE hanging out with, why does it matter where we go?
me: but noooo.
me: "i want a dance floor"
me: "i want an open bar"
me: "i want table service"
me: "i want a dancing midget clown!"
me: AM I NOT ENOUGH???
me: *sob
Steven: probably not as fun as a dancing midget clown to be honest...
Steven: cause i think that's pretty hard to beat
old age
Steven: I think I took off 5 years of my life
me: oh dear. hopefully its the 5 between 80 and 90. you'll be stuck in bed wearing diapers anyway
me: who cares if its 5 years less of that shit
Steven: Hahahaha nice. You know how to cheer a guy up the right way
me: :)
me: the minute i lose control of my, uh, bathroom muscles, im going to shoot myself. if i cant do it, you're doing it for me
Steven: no deal
Steven: I'm planning on offing myself way earlier than that
me: terrible friend.
Steven: So I wouldn't be there anyway
Steven: I'm thinking 70 is a good age
move along, nothing to see here.
Patrick: wendy i think u should post todays gchat. u said some really sweet things in here
Patrick: doesnt happen often on ur blog
me: i am a sweet person. whats that supposed to mean?!
me: i sound like a meanie 90% of the time?
Patrick: u a cold hearted old cat lady
Patrick: im kiddin im kiddin. most of the posts are funny and about how cool we are. this post will give u even MORE depth, "oh wow, she can be super duper sweet too"
Patrick: ur readers will fall in love
me: my readers dont need to see my mushy side. pleeease! thats only reserved for the truly deserving. maybe one day when i am trying to run for president or trying to raise money for the next pair of shoes i buy i will post it. try to generate some sympathy donation
Patrick: nice. that can be the title
Patrick: generate some sympathy donation
“…and of course, while NOT looking for a dress for the holidays, I actually...”
– mulling it over.
“You have to be who you are, unless who you are is awful.”
– Simon Doonan
A rule to live by for the day! Just today.
secret santa spoiler!
Patrick: WENDY!!
Patrick: whod u get???
me: YOUR MOM
Patrick: wow
Patrick: i didnt see her on the list
Patrick: u lucky
me: she was on *my* list
me: ;)
Patrick: whatever that means
Patrick: dont wink me
ultimate
Patrick: [who are they?] sounds couplie
me: theyre married
Patrick: then HELLLLZ NO
me: hahahah go and be the ULTIMATE couple
me: "honey, dont we have to go pick your grandparents up at the airport after dinner?"
me: "and then we are playing bingo with them at the community center right?"
me: "oh yes, Sandra is a bingo SHARK. can you believe it? she got all the numbers in row L 5 times last friday"
me: "im convinced Gertrude has been cheating. that minx!"
me: "sweetie.. where is the jar where you keep my testicles? i have game night with the guys on sunday"
mom jokes, pt 1
me: [redacted] is looking to buy an engagement ring
me: "do u know where i would go look for one of those?"
me: at your moms house.
me: what the eff kind of question is that???
Patrick: hahahha
Patrick: mom jokes
Patrick: love it
Patrick: haha
Patrick: so would u want a teno ring? or has that changed?
me: are you planning on getting me one?
Patrick: no
me: psh who cares then
mom jokes, pt 2
Patrick: mwahaha, no, i just remember u tellin me that u liked teno rings
me: yea they are nice, but then i will always be "the girl who has [redacted]'s wife's ring". there has to be something better out there. something more ME.
Patrick: i would always go classic. classics are classics.
Patrick: girls wanna bling
me: http://whiteflashdiamonds.files.wordpress.com/2009/04/img_2391.jpg
me: like that?
Patrick: id get her another ring in addition to it thats more personal
me: awwwww more more more. more rings yay
Patrick: so is that what u told [redacted]?
me: that he should get her multiple rings?
Patrick: no no
me: i told him to go screw himself, i aint helpin
mom jokes, pt 3
Patrick: hahhahha go ask ur mom
me: i mean, it was kind of a dumb question to ask, dont you think?
me: im not her best or even close friend
Patrick: but ur stylish
me: how the hell would i even know what she likes? my style aint her style.
me: [redacted link]. i like that one [but i would] never suggest he get that for her
Patrick: that doesnt look very comfortable
me: marriages arent comfortable
“This is the single most irritating question on the face of the planet that one...”
– “Are you seeing someone?” (source: 2Birds1Blog)
fuhreakin hilarious entry today. even better? a mention of COLON CLEANSING. (it’s better if you have no idea what i am referring to.)
next person who asks me this gets slapped.
[Redacted]: so i'm looking to buy an engagement ring
me: ahh nice
[Redacted]: do u know where i would go look for one of those?
me: errr thats not a serious question
me: that is the stupidest question to ask someone if you are looking for an engagement ring, im sorry, and im not saying that to be mean
me: if there is ANYONE in the world who knows her, it is YOU. you should know where to find an engagement ring for her
me: besides the obvious answer: at a ring store
[Redacted]: ohhh yea that's right i should go find one of those
me: good luck. i hear they only make ring stores out west
fb hell, pt 1
Patrick: so whos this guy? FB LINK!!
Phe: hold please i will find him
Phe: [link redacted]
me: thats a nice 3/4 of a face! cute!
Phe: i know!! so cute. im still blocking him if he doesnt respond
me: by monday
Phe: by monday
Patrick: by monday.... so dramatic. "blocking him!!!!!" sending him to hell!!!
me: to facebook hell!!!
Patrick: monday OR hell!!
me: whatevs man! no one subjects phe to facebook purgatory!!
me: off with his 3/4 of a head!
fb hell, pt 2
Phe: that's right!
Patrick: yeah i dont kno him, so off w/ his head!!
Phe: hehehe martha and harry, you two are the bestest
Patrick: um.... i dont kno if u can call us that
Phe: hahahha aiyo!
me: HAHAHA why not!?!!!
Patrick: i dont kno, its our secret names... UNLESS she has one too
Patrick: and dont even think about giving her a name. THATS MY JOB
me: cult initiation time....
Patrick: i have the best names
me: work your magic, patrick. i have veto power if its not awesome enough right?
Patrick: BARBARA!
fb hell, pt 3
me: I LOVE IT!!!! BARBARA!!!!!
Patrick: i kno.... sexy huh?
Phe: OMG noooo
Patrick: phe, from this day forward, you shall rise in our group chats as (places hand from one of phes shoulder to the other)
Phe: hells NO!
Patrick: BARBARA!! done. come on. u think wendy had a choice? u think oprah HAD a choice? there is no logical reasoning for such great names. just accept it, be proud BARBARA. side note: thats kind of hard to type
me: BBRA for short?
Phe: BRA???? u guys cannot call me a female undergarment!
Patrick: thats why its bbra
Phe: hahahahahhahah terrible
badass cookie, pt 1
Patrick: im gonna save the rest of the cookie for u
me: YAAAAAAYYYY thanks pat
Patrick: mainly cuz i'm gonna puke if i eat anymore of it
me: HAHAH gosh thanks. whatevaaa! i'll take it even if its got some clumps of puke on it
Patrick: HAHA I KNO
Patrick: ill put it in the microwave for 20 seconds before i see u so its a lil warm
me: AWWW PAAAATTTT you're such a sweetheart
Patrick: stop it i am not sweet. i told u already. im a badboy. girls like badboys
me: so what? youre gonna stomp on the cookie before you see me?
Patrick: fart on it
me: IM SO BADASS!! I STOMP ON COOKIES!! *STOMP STOMP* STOMPIN WIF MAH BIG BLACK BOOTS. STEEL TOE, BABY
badass cookie, pt 2
Patrick: no, ill be like, Here! throw u the cookie
me: hahahahah thats so badass
Patrick: and u'll be like "wahts this??" "its a cookie" as i pull out a cigarette and light it as i look out into the dark night into the distance
Patrick: and puff out smoke from the corner of my mouth. w/ cig still in mouth w/ my leather jacket, and my all black outfit i stand by the side of the building and put one leg up against the building, hand in pocket
Patrick: u open up the wrapping and look at the half eaten cookie w/ big eyes
me: ummmm
Patrick: OHHH CHOCOLATE WALNUT!!! MY FAV, THANKS PAT!!
Patrick: "yeah, whatever" another puff of smoke
badass cookie, pt 3
me: whatevs man. i would never look at it with "big eyes"
me: im badass too
Patrick: hahahah
me: i'd catch it midair, rip open the wrapper and squint
me: "its half eaten."
me: and you'll go "yeah whatever" and i'll be like, "yea... whatevs." and toss it in my mouth
Patrick: man we are so freaken cool hahahhahahha
me: HAHAHAHA
Patrick: "and toss it in my mouth"
Patrick: oh man im crackin up. that is so money
geriatric, pt 1
me: like geriatric slow
Patrick: i guess, whats the rush
me: it'll be like that book that they made into a movie with javier bardem
Phe: OMG yes...where he waits his entire life
me: LOVE IN THE TIME OF CHOLERA. and when they FINALLY do it theyre like, a million years old!!
Phe: and they really ARE geriatric. ewwww
Patrick: i didnt watch this movie
Phe: it's so romantic..the book.. he was in love w/this chick his entire life
Patrick: and?
Phe: they get it on when they're 90
Patrick: come on, thats extreme
Phe: but it's true
geriatric, pt 2
me: the girl was in love with him at first but then figures it was probably just lust and infatuation, so then she rejects him, marries someone else
me: meanwhile, he vows to remain faithful to her... by screwing every other woman in sight
Phe: HAHA
Patrick: well hes gotta practice for the big day
me: it must only make sense to guys
Phe: men have such weird logic
Patrick: practice
Patrick: u dont want a guy that doesnt know what hes doin
me: eventually her husband dies
me: this guy TRACKS her down, still professes his love for her. they are like, a million years old now and they finally run away together
geriatric, pt 3
Patrick: do they do it in the woods?
me: HAHAH
me: on a boat. they basically exile themselves
Phe: i guess better late than never
Patrick: was it any good? was the practice worth it?
me: does it even work by then??
falafel, pt 1
Patrick: so what did u get to eat?
me: falafel! and the guy is like, "you like falafel, eh?" no shit sherlock. im getting falafel because i HATE falafel and i felt like hating myself today!
Phe: that annoys me when pple ask stupid questions like that but then again... he's selling falafels after all
me: and i suppose he was just "being nice". bad wendy, picking on the nice guy
Phe: i kno! wendy!
me: hahaha sorry sorry. my falafel is really juicy and drippy today
me: hahaha its gross! in a good way...?
Phe: ewwwwwww i knew that was coming!
falafel, pt 2
me: im going to "twilight" it
me: HAHAHA get it? get it?!!
Phe: eh? is this an over the line thing again?
Phe: ________
me: twilight? vampires?
me: HAHAHAH
me: im sucking the hot sauce out of it so it doesnt drip all over the place!
me: ... i shouldnt be allowed to socialize...
Phe: OMG
Phe: u dork!
---------------------
Patrick: oh martha, u crack me up
me: i try, harry, i try
Phe: im going to say that you both had some weirdness in your coffees today and leave it at that
me: HAHAH did pat ever tell you about martha and harry?
Phe: your dual personalities? yes i believe so
me: i cant believe i have an alter ego named MARTHA. and his is HARRY. couldnt we just pick the two worst names ever?
Patrick: martha is sexy!! like my bike OPRAH
me: are you serious? your bike is named oprah? you've been riding... oprah? ...all night long?
Patrick: ----------------------------
Patrick: wendy on the other side
me: gross. i didnt like crossing that line
in response to the water carbonator, pt 1
JM wrote: Sodastream-Fountain-Soda-Maker-Starter - cheaper. more supported, less fancy bottles. i wanted to get it actually but then i realized.. i can just drink water and pretend to be happy.
Wendy wrote: if your gf ever tells you that she thinks something is AWESOME, do not get her the “cheaper. more supported, less fancy” version …unless you want your ass kicked.
JM wrote:...
in response to the water carbonator, pt 2
Wendy wrote: and then you can make your own diamond out of a graphite, a microwave, and some coffee mugs. your cheaper and less fancy gf, Nemutan, would LOVE it.
JM wrote: SO not fair, you know that guys buy the cheaper less fancy versions of things like water carbonation stations because we have to buy bigger diamonds right? its only to your benefit!! besides, buying a diamond is cheaper than...
OOH LOOK! A LINE!
me: its like rubbing a deflated balloon against sandpaper
Phe: OMG
me: HAHAHA
Phe: OMG
me: im sorry, too graphic?
Phe: i just have the worst image
Phe: im going to go throw up now
Patrick: hahahhahahah yes wendy always crosses the line
me: I DO NOT!!!
Phe: hahahahaha...i like it
Patrick: u like the cross lines. u see the line and u cross it. u just step right over
me: i hop over it. i kick my heels up and hop right over it
“The kitchen of my parents’ house is like Vegas, because what happens...”
– I’m quickly becoming a contestant on More to Love, by 2Birds, 1Blog
“I… eat like an escapee from fat camp when I’m safely in the house I grew up in…. There’s no judgement at home.”
that is one of the reasons why i don’t like to go to my...
