January 2009
144 posts
new years superstition
We all know about the “midnight kiss” superstition, but did you know about one called “first footing”? its hilarious. i had to share:
First Footing: The first person to enter your home after the stroke of midnight will influence the year you’re about to have. Ideally, he should be dark-haired, tall, and good-looking. Blonde and redhead first footers bring bad...
December 2008
182 posts
pooper, day... i don't know what. i lost count.
perhaps i should have installed a video camera in each room to see what exactly goes on in my apt when i dont make it home.
anyway. i have no updates because.. i haven’t been hanging out with them all that much.
cooper gets more and more vocal each day. last night, he was just walking around the apartment, talking to himself like a crazy old man (which i’m sure he will become one...
"Chill Your Champagne, Stat!"
“When you’re celebrating the onset of 2009 tonight, don’t fall short on chilled bubbly. If you’ve got a warm bottle of Champagne and very little time to make it cold, we’ve got a fast solution for you.
Place your sparkler into an ice bucket (or another tall plastic container). Add ice to the bottom and sprinkle the layer with a few tablespoons of salt. Continue to...
promise!
me: YO! you leaving for hk NOW?
Jackie: yes! in less than an hour
me: im gonna misss youuuuu
Jackie: awww hahahah... it's not like you were going to see me though....? lol but i know what u mean!
me: wont you be online less?!!
Jackie: i'll be in a foreign country! oh yeah that too
me: what are me and my blog to do without you!?!!
Jackie: i'll be on another continent! oh no! i'll come back with extra blog material
me: dont forget about me when you marry the hk gazillionaire
Jackie: i'll talk to u the [moment] my big toe steps off the plane [there]
“maybe today will be a photo entry day?”
– hopefully something more exciting than the flurry of white crap outside will happen.
“no one wants to update today, my google reader is so empty :(”
– sad face.
“haha i can’t believe you had blonde hair once. i barely remember it. but...”
– you know how sometimes via fb updates or stories or whatever they’re calling it these days, you come across someone you dont know but are curious about so then you click on their little blue linked name and it takes you to their page and you’re looking through their fb profile pictures...
ranting and raving
David: i wonder how much food you get for the 75 bucks
David: sounds like a better deal than Ninja, thats for sure
me: ninja?! ninja is for kiddies
me: ninja is the times square of sushi
me: ninja is the applebees of sushi
me: nay, the chuck e cheese of sushi
me: ninja is the equivalent of hibachi
me: no one goes for food, you go to get pretend-peed-on by the little plastic boy with his pants pulled down
there is no sex... on my blog. pt 3
Jackie: this super cute guy added me as a friend on facebook. i dont even know him! maybe he thinks i'm someone else? "BRAD" SENT ME A MESSAGE ON FB AFTER I CONFIRMED HIM AS A FRIEND, OMG. STALKER! HE WROTE "Hi! Thanks for accepting my friend request. Cute Pics! How long have you lived in Dallas?"
me: what if he turns out to be a shrively old man?? hiding behind a picture of FALSE YOUTH
Jackie: I LOVE OLD MEN. ew my pics are NOT cute. i bet he has an asian fetish. ewwww. uhhh i dont know if i want to talk to him
me: dude!! you know.. someone has been searching for SEX on my blog. was it YOU?? actually wait, i know its not you. its someone in FOREST HILLS. who do we know in forest hills?!!!
Jackie: LARRY. LARRY LIVES IN FORESHT HILLS. HAHAHA WOW I just had a typing lisp
me: there are only 8 entries on there that have the word "sex" in it and i think you're in 4 of them
Jackie: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA AWESOME. there are some real creeps out there
me: i cant believe one of them is lurking on my blog. 31 page views. watch out man...might be "brad" on facebook
there is no sex... on my blog. pt 2
me: yo dude, someone's been searching for "sex" on my blog!!! is it you?
David: haha, no. searching your blog for sex is like searching my blog for pop songs
me: HAHAHAH
me: thats what im sayin man. i only have 8 entries out of a bagillion that mentions sex
me: and none of it is about any of the sex im having
David: mm.. maybe some one is curious to your bonk and tell practices and is doing research before approaching
David: that way they wont be as nervous of a poor performance being told to the interwebs
me: hahahahha
me: bonk and tell?
there is no sex... on my blog. pt 1
me: have you been searching for "sex" on my blog?
me: someone put in "sex" as a search word!!
Vivien: hahahah wow
Vivien: look at ur audience
Vivien: i don't need to search
me: they are sadly looking in the wrong blog
Vivien: i just ask
baby formula (not what you think)
me: yes lets fit into our old clothes. that is the goal
Vivien: cause we can't afford new ones :)
me: you know what i need? i need some food poisoning. where can i find some food poisoning...? spinach is safe now, huh?
Vivien: walk down the street to the dirty hole in the wall and pick up an order of everything. u should be good to go
me: eeeww i dont want to eat gross bodily fluids, i just want something that the health department has put a recall on, so its like, a normally healthy food.. just.. slightly tainted, but by nature or pesticides or something
Vivien: chinese super market should be good for that no? lots of recalled shit there
Vivien: oh oh the baby formula
me: im gonna go eat some baby formula
feel the love. it makes no sense. but feel it....
Jackie: i love talking to u
me: AWWWW YOUUUU CHEESEBALL
Jackie: HRHRHRHR
Jackie: uhhh
Jackie: HEHEHEHE
me: HAHAHAHAHHAHAHA
Jackie: "pmg!!!" HAHAHAHA
me: remember JAJAJAJAJJAJA?
me: ahhahahahahahha
Jackie: HAHAHAHA
Jackie: okok i go now for reals! i love you munchkin
me: awww i loooveee youuu cheeseball
shrine of awesomeness
Jackie: so yeah...i dont know what happened the other day when i wrote on your fb wall. i was just overwhelmed by all this love for you suddenly, didnt know what to do with it, or how to express it
me: awwwwww wow. i feel so loved. was it because i told you i was running around commando?
Jackie: HAHAHAHAHAHHA THAT MUST HAVE BEEN IT
Jackie: man you had me floored. i couldnt concentrate the rest of the night! it was overwhelming love wendy
Jackie: OH BTW i'll have to take a picture of this for u. but i sort of put up a shrine of u me and jen
Jackie: HAHAHA ok not a shrine
Jackie: but my table piece on my dining table is dedicated to us
Jackie: it's 3 vases with an orange poppy in each one
“Binary solo! 0000001! 00000011! 000000111! 0000001111!”
– Bret, Flight of the Conchords. feeling particularly geeky at the moment
the 5 types of new years eve parties
me: http://gawker.com/5119736/the-5-types-of-new-years-eve-parties
David: is there a pet kissing party in those new 5?
David: hmm.. theres a bar here caled auld lang syne
David: maybe i should go there
me: uh oh
me: you'd better make a plan
me: or you'll end up type 2
happy monday
David: One out of five people don't have anyone to kiss on New Year's Eve, and more people kiss their pets than their friends that night
me: wow
me: thanks
me: you want me to make it through monday or not?
me: haha "i'd rather kiss my dog than YOU, FRIEND."
“why is it when one half a couple is vegetarian, it is more common for the...”
– current musing.
what did you learn in 2008?
list compilation starts: dec. 29
only best friends would eat the pizza you sneezed into (new years day)
there are such things as gut instincts. i discovered the existence and accuracy of mine after an expected unexpected breakup with an asshole
sometimes you dont need to have anything in common with someone you are good friends with
but you do need to have some things in common with someone...
"I'm fixing my memooooryyyy!"
“Just in case you needed another reason to pour yourself a glass of wine: researchers at the University of Glasgow have found that “moderate consumption” of wine can actually help stave off dementia in women.
“We found that modest amounts of alcohol in women seem to be associated with a delay in cognitive decline, such as speed of thought and how you use language and...
smells like cat
i remember when pooper hated the way the other cat smelled. whenever they smelled the other cat on any of us, they’d hiss or back away. now, pepper has decided that she likes cooper’s bed more than her own (and what female kitty wouldnt? cooper’s got a hella FABULOUSSSS zebra print bed to match his just as FABULOUSSS personality) poor cooper has been exiled to sleep on the flap...
“damn. where did the weekend go?”
– current thought. i am being a crabby little kid who is dreading the first day of school tomorrow.
pooper, day 4
not much has happened… same old pooper. they’re still swatting at each other.
btw, I FINALLY FIGURED OUT WHY THEY CALL IT CATFIGHT!! have you ever seen cats swat and bat and paw at each other?? its actually pretty funny. and very wimpy looking. pooper does it on the windowsill, since the sill is so narrow, they’re pretty careful with themselves when theyre trying to play-murder...
ppv
me: you know, i'm beginning to suspect pooper only causes commotion when i'm at home. and when i'm gone, they're perfect angels.
viv: how do you figure that one? if you aren't there?
me: whenever i get home its always quiet and they're sitting pretty far apart n chillaxin. i get back, they both come out and then start to bodyslam each other. as if they think i'm expecting some kitty wrestling pay-per-view.
pooper, day 3
switched it up and left the other cat in the bathroom last night. they just cant be trusted to stay quiet during the night.
let the cat out in the morning and the resumed the usual antics. then pepper puked from too much excitement. gross.
they slept most of the day away yesterday so i had a rather peaceful afternoon. but when night time rolled around… dun dunn duuunnnnn.
i did some...
notches and a bar
Jackie: DUDE WHAT DID U THINK OF [REDACTED]???? he's the guy on the LEFT
me: he's got a honkin schnoz. hahahahahahhaha. im sorry im sorry, he is not bad. id say he is perhaps a notch above average
Jackie: noooo the guy on the LEFT??? the guy on the RIGHT has a huge nose
me: OH WAIT AHAHHAHAHAHAHA OOPS. YES!! THE ONE ON THE LEFT IS CUTE. wow.. i dont know my right from left.
Jackie: HE IS HE IS!!!!!!!!!!!!! WENDY WHAT IS THIS! WE'RE STARTING TO HAVE THE SAME TASTE NOw. INCREDIBLE
me: ok wait. he's not like UUUUUBERRRR MELTING CUTE but he is like 3 notches above average. on a total of maybe 5 notches
Jackie: HEEEYYYY WHATS WRONG WITH HAVING THE SAME TASTE AS ME? you got AWFULLY DEFENSIVE. HAHHAHA
me: i just.. dont want us to fight over the same guys
me: so im going to set my bar a little higher. HAHAHHAHAHAHA. i kid i kidddd
had the day off
so i…
went to the gym
baked yet another blueberry coffee cake. am waiting for it now, it’s in the oven
will need to go out and get some socks
watched too much tv
gym shoe smothering
this is really great
i was just looking at some site statistics, and apparently, a search for “gym shoe smothering” turned up my website.
who out there is looking for “gym shoe smothering”?!! you are AWESOME. only the most awesome person ever would ever put that in as a search. be my friend, please?
pooper, day 2
last night one cat ended up sleeping the bathroom… because they would NOT leave each other alone. and as hard as i tried to get them to get along - spraying them with water whenever they started bodyslamming each other, yelling, getting them to eat as closely as possible (they were, at one point, due to my cleverly subtle shifting of both plate and spoon closer to each other, one eating off...
“the blueberry coffee cake is in the oven! *fingers crossed that i don’t...”
– current status. my fingahs smell like buttah…
and why doesn’t coffee cake have any coffee IN it?
no good deed goes unpunished.
wow… if my mom isn’t the queen of guilt, i dont know who is.
just met up with her to get some groceries. i handed her a check for the month’s rent, written out to include an extra hundred dollars as per this morning’s breakfast plate of guilt. and you know what she said to me?
“so theres an extra hundred here… you know, 40 of that is actually for...
michael ian black is freakin' hilarious.
“There was some debate last night amongst my family about whether or not Santa would visit our home this year….The equation is pretty binary. Either you deserve presents or you don’t. At this point my daughter was getting upset. “I don’t blame you,” I said. “I would be upset too if I’d acted like a total cunt all year long.” (She didn’t know that word, but I think my intonation...
just a list. of nothing in particular. because it...
going to get some laundry done today
thinking of making raspberry coffee cake for teresa’s xmas party tonight
both cats are napping and i’ve finally got some quiet in the apartment
dreamt about The One Who Got Away last night, and for a night, was actually really damn happy. i miss that feeling you get when you’ve been wanting something so much, and for so long, and...
give me a minute to feel sorry for myself.
just got a call from my mother, talking about nothing in particular when the conversation turns to money (which it always seems to, inevitably). this year i consider myself lucky to have even gotten half an end-of-the-year bonus. and when my mother asked me how much it was, she asks me if she’d get a part of it, then proceeds to lecture me on how all of her other friends get money from their...
25th
christmas morning breakfast:
5 butter cookies
creme brulee
a cup of tea
merry christmas, beetcheeezzz!
twas the night before christmas...
and i’m draped over my couch like a fat gummy lump, rolling off occasionally to break up the cat fights (har har, for serious!!!).
half days at work are great, but then i end up getting home, bored as all hell, have dinner way too early, have way to much time left, decide to make more creme brulee, watch a whole disc of tv shows… and now the channel is tuned to will&grace, im...
pooper, day 1
pooper = cooper (viv’s cat) + pepper (my cat)
they’d met before. they don’t like each other. but they’re stuck with each other for the next 10 days. unfortunately, they’re also stuck with me. and even more unfortunate… we’re all stuck having to deal with my downstairs neighbor. he just came up to introduce himself and i forgot his name. i was busy...
someone steal this idea. pt 2
Jackie: ok let's jump into a relationship right now and text them like crazy. if we send them 53 text messages a day, i think we'll have enough for a book by the end of the week
me: i think that would make us look psychotic. how does he even have copies of all his txts?? i wish i had copies of mine
Jackie: HE DOWNLOADS THEM TO HIS COMPUTER and he's like OBSESSIVE about it
me: we must break into his computer and destroy all his txts
someone steal this idea. pt 1
Jackie: OMG DUDE YOU SHOULD WRITE A BOOK!
me: a collection of chats. maybe the right person will read my blog and offer me a book deal
Jackie: OF ALL OUR CHATS! IT WOULD BE INSANITY! DID I TELL U? the last time i spoke with [redacted extremely bitter exbf], he said HE was going to write a book
me: on what?! motorcycles? what he had for breakfast that he cant remember?
Jackie: using all the text messages jen and i sent him, jen his ex-gf. he was like "i just want to show the world the evolution of relationships thru text messages" he's obviously still bitter
me: actually his idea is pretty cool too!!! except i dont want him to get anything out of it. someone should steal his idea. we need to be in relationships so we can steal it. so it can be DONE before he gets to do it!!!!